Man Woman Egg Bird, by Ben Loory

"The man and the woman climb up and peer inside. In the center of the nest is an egg. My God, says the man. That thing is gigantic! That's the biggest egg I ever saw!"

Ben Loory’s stories always surprise me, always make me smile, always make me rethink what a story can do and me. They almost always send me to my own writing, inspiring something new or a fresh look at something older, one of my favorite responses to a short story. I can’t recommend his two story collections, Stories for Nighttime and Some for the Day & Tales of Falling and Flying, enough. Hope y’all find this one as much fun as I do!

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A man doesn't know what to do with his weekend, so he decides to go exploring in the forest. He climbs a big tree, and there at the top, he finds a bird’s nest with a tiny egg inside it.

The egg is pretty—very pretty. It's blue and has little brown spots.

Wow, says the man, I should take this home!

He starts to reach out—but a voice stops him.

Don’t! says the voice.

The man looks over.

There's a woman staring back at him. She's peering around from the other side of the trunk.

It's wrong to steal bird's eggs, she says.

It is? says the man.

It is, the woman says. Eggs deserve a chance to hatch—to hatch into birds and fly away and live.

You sound like you like birds, the man says.

I do, says the woman. Very, very much.

Would you like to have lunch? the man says.

Well, says the woman, I am pretty hungry. I'll meet you back down at the bottom.

*

I've been climbing trees for fourteen years, says the woman, once they're sitting in the diner.

Really? says the man. I just started today. In fact, that was my very first one.

Yeah? says the woman. That explains a lot of things. Well anyway, it's a magnificent pastime.

Maybe we could go as a team? says the man. And you could show me the ropes, sometime?

Well, says the woman. I guess I could do that. No romantic stuff, though, understood?

Oh no, says the man. Nothing like that.

Let's keep it about birds, the woman says.

*

So the next day the two of them head back into the woods. They move past dozens of trees.

Which one should we climb? says the man, looking up.

Whichever one you want, the woman says.

Just then the man sees a gigantic tree.

That one! he says. Right there!

Are you sure? says the woman. It's not gonna be easy.

I'm up for a challenge, the man says.

*

The man and the woman start to climb the tree. They go at a steady, slow pace. But still, the man starts to pant pretty fast.

I’m not used to the exertion, he says.

Look, says the woman, I'm gonna tell you a trick. The trick is just to ignore it.

So the man keeps climbing until his muscles hurt—and his hands, and his feet, and his back. And then he keeps climbing even after that. He gets twigs in his eyes and his nose. Somehow a pinecone ends up in his mouth.

Finally, he looks around and frowns.

Are you sure there are birds in this tree? he says. I haven't heard any so far.

Oh yes, says the woman. There are birds everywhere. You just have to know where to look.

At this point they've climbed almost all the way up.

But where? says the man. I don't see any.

What do you call that? says the woman, and gives a nod.

There's a huge nest perched right at the top.

*

The man and the woman climb up and peer inside.

In the center of the nest is an egg.

My God, says the man. That thing is gigantic! That's the biggest egg I ever saw!

Me too, says the woman. Now that you mention it.

As they watch, the egg starts to crack.

Hmm, says the man, frowning at the woman. Is this thing supposed to do that?

Well, says the woman, it is an egg.

The egg cracks a little bit more.

Then it splits in half, and the halves fall apart. A giant bird emerges from inside.

Uh oh, says the man.

It's a bird like an eagle, but larger—it's the size of an elephant. It's got a curved, sharp beak and dagger-like claws.

It immediately reaches out and grabs the woman.

Aaa! screams the woman. Let me go! Let me go!

But the bird doesn't listen at all. Instead, it bats its wings and starts to carry the woman off. The man tries to grab her—but the bird kicks him.

Uh oh, says the man, as he tumbles off the branch.

He is pierced and slapped and beaten as he falls. He falls toward the ground for what seems like forever—and then the fall ends all of a sudden.

Ow, says the man, lying on the ground.

Somehow he forces his eyes open. And there he sees—way off in the distance—the bird flying away with the woman.

*

The man drags himself to a nearby ranger station.

Why'd you mess with that egg? the ranger says.

We didn't! says the man. All we did was watch it hatch! Now how do you propose to get her back?

Me? says the ranger. I don’t mess with those things! That bird would as soon eat you as look at you. And as for your lady friend, Sir... she's gone. My advice to you here is: find another.

Another? says the man.

He stares at the ranger.

You can't be serious, he says.

Why not? says the ranger. Oh, and one other thing. Do you know what we do to poachers here?

*

The man backs away.

Say no more, he says.

Then he goes home and thinks.

There’s got to be a way to get her back, he says. There just has to—there has to be a way.

*

And sure enough, pretty soon, the man has an idea. Then he has another, and a third. He opens the door to the basement and goes down.

All right, he says. Let's get to work.

First, the man designs and builds a gigantic hammer—a hammer for pounding giant birds. Then he builds a vehicle he calls an autogyro (which is basically a fancy helicopter). Last, the man builds a tracking device which will search out the woman’s DNA—luckily, he'd found a strand of her hair on his shirt after she was spirited away.

Okay, says the man.

He goes out into the yard.

Seconds later, he’s up in the air.

Wow! says the man, steering the autogyro. Amazing how this all worked out!

*

He flies to the forest where the woman was abducted. He finds the giant tree and circles down.

Underneath is the nest where the whole thing began.

The DNA tracking device starts making beeping sounds.

The man flies for hours in the indicated direction. He follows the woman's trail for days.

I have to get her back from that bird, he says. It was my fault we climbed that tree in the first place!

Up ahead, an immense cliff looms in the distance. At the top, the man sees something huge. As he gets closer, it resolves into a nest.

All right, says the man. This is it!

He angles the autogyro down from the sky, and readies his giant bird-fighting hammer.

But then—with relief!—he sees the bird isn't there.

Alone in the nest is the woman.

*

Hello! cries the man. You okay down there? 

Oh yes! says the woman. How are you?

I'm fine, says the man. I was afraid you’d be dead! I mean, with that huge bird and all.

That bird? says the woman. Oh, he’s not that bad. I mean, he can be a little rough, but he's smart and he's strong, and he's great with the wind. He's really nice when you actually get to know him.

Know him? says the man. What are you talking about?

Well, we're dating now, the woman says.

Actually, she says, I guess we’re kinda married.

And also, she says, I’m laying eggs.

The man looks down. The woman's sitting on a pile of eggs.

Those are yours? he says. You laid those?

I did, says the woman. It's unexpected, huh?

The man can't think of what to say.

But, he finally says, I was going to marry you!

Marry me? the woman says, and she laughs. But we only met the other day—don't be silly!

How can you marry a bird? the man says.

I like him, says the woman. We have similar interests.

Similar interests like what? the man says.

Well, says the woman. We both like trees.

And also, birds, she says.

*

Just then a great shadow falls over them. The man looks up—it’s the bird.

Here we go, the man says, readying his bird-fighting hammer.

Honey, is this guy bothering you? says the bird.

No, says the woman. He’s just an old friend. He happened to be in the neighborhood.

What’s with the hammer? the bird says to the man.

The man frowns and looks down at it.

The truth is, he says, after a little bit, I was gonna hit you with this.

Me? says the bird. Good grief! What for?

To get back, the man says, my girl.

The bird looks over at the woman in surprise.

I am not his girl, the woman says.

Were you…? says the bird, waggling a talon between them.

Jesus Christ no, the woman says.

We were dating, says the man.

No we weren't, the woman says.

We went on one expedition, she says. And we agreed beforehand it wasn't romantic.

We climbed a big tree, the man says.

Well, says the woman. That part is true.

Tallest tree in the forest! the man says.

Yes, says the woman. It was a very tall tree.

And, she says, we did it. We climbed it.

*

Well, says the bird, after a moment.

He turns and looks at the man.

I don’t know what to say, the bird says to him. I mean, she can go if she wants. I don't hold people against their will. I'm a big bird, but I’m not, y'know, evil.

The man thinks about it. He looks at the woman.

Look at the time, she says. You should be going.

*

Well, says the man. If that's how it is.

I guess I'll be seeing you, he says.

He starts to turn the autogyro around.

But thanks for stopping by! the woman says.

No problem, says the man. Good luck with the eggs!

Oh, wow, thank you, the woman says.

Hey actually! says the bird. Can you hold up a sec?

The man turns.

Yeah? he says.

Well, says the bird. Are you busy right now? Cause actually, we could use a hand.

A hand? says the man. A hand with what?

Well, we're building a house, says the bird. For the hatchlings, that is! For the children—not us. And the thing is, I'm not very coordinated! I don't have fingers, you know, only toes. And with that hammer, you could pound a lot of nails.

Oh, says the man. Well, thanks for the offer, but I do have other things to do.

We could pay you, says the bird. I collect shiny objects—and not all of them are bottle caps.

Well, says the man.

He looks at the woman, sitting there on her pile of eggs. And he looks at the bird, who seems like a nice guy. And he thinks about the children on the way.

*

And so the man stays. He helps build the house. It actually turns out very nice. It looks like a nest—though of course very large—crossed with a Victorian house.

Thank you, says the bird, when the whole thing is done.

Yes, thank you, it's beautiful! the woman says.

Oh, pshaw, says the man. Really, it was nothing.

But he has to admit it looks nice.

*

Here's your payment, says the bird, wheeling out a tub of coins—there are silver ones and gold ones and brass.

Oh no, says the man. You should hold onto those. You might need 'em for the little ones' college funds.

*

Are you sure? says the bird.

Pretty sure, says the man.

That's very kind of you, the woman says.

Safe travels! says the bird. We'll remember you always!

Let's not go overboard, the woman says.

*

So the man gets in his autogyro.

So long! he says.

Good luck with the family! he says.

And he takes off and soars home—and the wind's in his hair! So he does a loop-de-loop, ’cause it feels nice.

STORY:
Ben Loory is the author of the collections Tales of Falling and Flying (Penguin, 2017) and Stories for Nighttime and Some for the Day (Penguin, 2011). His fables and tales have appeared in The New Yorker, Fairy Tale Review, BOMB Magazine, and A Public Space, and been heard on This American Life and Selected Shorts. He lives and teaches short story writing in Los Angeles. Find him at benloory.com. 

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ART:
John Elizabeth Stintzi (they/she) is an award winning novelist, poet, editor, and cartoonist. JES is the author of the novels My Volcano and Vanishing Monuments, the poetry collection Junebat, and is currently at work illustrating their comic Automaton Deactivation Bureau. 

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On Friday, we’ll feature an interview with Ben Loory about this story and also a bonus short-short, “The Book of Jokes & Stories”!

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